Forgiveness.

It’s a word that’s thrown around quite often, and sometimes… well, sometimes I feel it isn’t being used properly.

See, forgiveness is total. It is complete. It is the inclusion of letting go, no nagging voice in the back of your mind. No bringing up old hurts, because if you forgive someone… I mean truly forgive them… old hurts are gone. They’re negated. They’re no longer a dark cloud over you, over the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is for you. It’s not something to be taken lightly, either. Because forgiveness, whether the other person has asked for it or not, takes that weight off your shoulders. It lets you sleep. It lets you move on. It doesn’t give the other person validation, it doesn’t suddenly make wrong things right. It’s you. Your acceptance. Your letting go. You clearing your space for the good things that are coming your way, whether they include the other person or not.

Forgiveness is also tricky. It can lead you to believe, just by saying the word, that all is well. True forgiveness, though, can’t happen until your wounds are healed. Forgiveness in its totality is… let go and let god, whichever higher power you follow.

It’s something that I’m struggling with right now.

Forgiveness of the treatment of someone I love dearly by someone else that I love.

Time is running out for me to look the perpetrator in the eye and say “I forgive you.” Time is running out for me to let the perpetrator in the eye and say “I understand.” Mostly because I don’t, but I’m working on it. (I type as Release by Pearl Jam comes up in my shuffled music.)

But forgiveness isn’t for THIS person.

It’s for me.

Because I want this person to know that they are loved. In all their imperfections they have taught me so much. No matter the past, no matter the troubles, they deserve peace and dignity.

They deserve forgiveness.

And so do I.