I have large blocks of my life that are just GONE. Between the depression, postpartum and otherwise, and PTSD, my brain simply doesn’t want to pull up certain periods in my life. I don’t remember much of anything of Jake’s infancy or toddler years, or most of Marc’s elementary years. It stretches into me missing pieces of Marc in early high school years as well, up until 2012, when suddenly everything was clear. Crystal, even, no matter the hurt or the trauma.

This is one of the reasons why I love going through older pictures that I’ve been finding, and the occasional old video file stuffed on a memory card. They have taught me that happy memories can be triggered, too. They remind me of how Marc has always been MARC, and how he and I similar in countless ways. They remind me of Jake’s giggle and that yes, there were times I held him, even though I don’t remember how that felt. Yet… because I’m determined to remember that, too.

Last night I had this dream that I was going through old videos on my phone, and I could see Jake as a toddler. I could hear his giggles, and I KNOW what I was seeing were memories. As I would play each video, they would delete from the phone, and I couldn’t get back to them. I just wanted to go back and rewatch them, but this voice of the person with me told me that it was okay, it was with ME now.

I’m convinced it was Daddy ????

2019 is GOING to be an amazing year, because I will make it so. That dream in all of its awesomeness is just a glimpse of the many ways it will be.

This is my year to THRIVE ????????‍♀️????????