Too late, Mom. Sorry about that ????

I miss you, so much that it hurts. You should have been with me yesterday, out in Columbus having a grand time. You should be here tonight, in the stillness as the time ticks away to midnight and your baby girl’s e-book is published.

I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your hugs. I miss coffee on the back porch with you, and how you noticed everything. I miss holding your hand.

I thought this would be easier, you know? I thought that the knowledge that you weren’t suffering anymore, that you would never hurt again would make this okay. It doesn’t. That’s selfish of me, I know, but please… please know that I love you. And that I miss you. And I hope you are proud of me.

Give Daddy a big hug and a kiss from me. And that baby… my brother or sister that you’d lost between me and Nickie… tell them I look forward to meeting them someday.

I thought I had processed everything. When I lost it at the service, I thought that was it. But today, when I should be sharing this huge first with you, I feel lost. Empty. Alone. Devastated. I can’t turn back the clock, and I can’t make you magically appear so that I can hold your hand one more time.

But I have the memories.

And I have the joy of knowing you knew about this book before you left us.

I got my car fixed today, Mom. Okay, not fixed, but serviced. Without blinking an eye. Knowing what needed to be done and doing it. I’m okay. Just like you wanted to let me know that you were, I hope you know that… well, I am, but I’m not.

I miss you. I love you. Come see me in my dreams, okay? I could really use that hug right now.